


A Hard Snagriddle

by cas_tielle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: I blame Daniel for the following sin, M/M, Penis Euphemisms, THIS IS SATIRE, based off a tumblr post, lots of sin, really really intentionally awful smut, sort of crack bc of how bad it is, written as sort of a challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 12:11:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cas_tielle/pseuds/cas_tielle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hagrid and Snape have a moment of intimacy involving both of their heaven-violating spears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hard Snagriddle

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this post: http://prokopetz.tumblr.com/post/136895563732/writing-smut-like

Snape stalked down the hill to Hagrid's hut, fists clenched angrily by his sides. He had just been in his chambers, doing the dirty things that men do when they are sexually frustrated and incredibly celibate, though not by choice, when his phallus had been startled out of his hand by the sight of an enormous angry sow emerging from his loo. He had barely had to think about who was responsible for a metre tall animal nesting in his bathroom when his mind immediately found the culprit. It certainly had not helped that the perpetrator had been the subject of Snape's sexual fantasies for quite sometime, but it didn't matter; he was ready to give that enormous man a piece of his mind, no matter how ruggedly dashing Snape found his beard.

He knocked angrily on the wooden door, and it swung open to reveal a two-metre man who smelled like wet dog and was wearing clothes that looked like they hadn't been washed in weeks. Snape had to put his hand on the doorframe to prevent himself from swooning with his pure desire for Hagrid's meat stick.

Hagrid himself looked down his nose at Snape because of his exceptional height (and hopefully length too, but Snape had to pace himself with that thought otherwise he would faint like a maiden, even though everyone already knew he was a strict bottom.)

"Wha' d'ye want, Snape?" said Hagrid gruffly. Snape's schlong quivered between his thighs as he heard his name escape those beautifully cracked lips, and he licked his own.

"You know why I'm here, Hagrid!" Snape shouted in anger as he remembered why he had come down here. (It was not to stare at Hagrid's sexy mustache. Nope. Snape had more self-control than that.)

(Actually he didn't. Snape was gripping his one-eyed tentacle in his hand underneath his robes right then.)

"No, I don't," said Hagrid, scratching his head, and the hem of his dirty shirt rises up, causing Snape to have a nosebleed.

"I came up here because your wiener is in my room," Snape exclaimed sexily while wiping away the blood from his nose.

Hagrid's eyes darkened gravely as he breathed out of his mouth with lust and the air hit Snape's face, causing his baloney pony to pop up like a children's picture book.

"Oh, it is, eh?" whispered Hagrid erotically, leaning against the table behind him with his hips thrust out and his intentions written clear. Snape could see the outline of Hagrid's heat-seeking moisture missile straining against the material of his trousers in Snape's direction.

"How did your hog get into my...room?" whispered Snape, feeling himself get very turned on as he said the words.

"I dunno, I suppose I oughta show you," hooted Hagrid, before he grabbed Snape by the neck (because he has a choking kink and is available to be kinkshamed every Wednesday through Sunday from 4-11pm). He sucked face with Snape while their tongues battled for dominance like two kids fighting over prizes at a Chuck-E-Cheese, which was a Muggle reference neither of them understood. Hagrid's big hands squeezed Snape's bulbous rear, and Snape moaned.

"Hagrid," he groaned, "I want your thick whoopie stick inside me."

Snape grabbed the baby arm between his lover's legs, squeezing it like he was molding clay for his elementary school science fair.

"Yer a sinner, Snape," wheezed Hagrid as he ground little Hagrid into Snape's lower regions, and Snape squealed in pleasure.

They were both suddenly naked because neither one of them stopped to think about the laws of magic or physics, and Hagrid's large hands suddenly covered every inch of Snape's quivering, wanton body. Snape moaned like a yaoi uke and face-fucked Hagrid passionately as he felt calloused hands throw him onto the wooden table roughly. He felt tiny pin-pricks of wood enter his naked skin and felt his mayo shooting hotdog gun begin to rise like a really moist jack-in-the-box, because he also had a splinter kink, and he was hoping to soon have another kind of prick inside him.

Hagrid stood before him in all his naked awesomeness, and Snape's belly trembled at the sight of his glorious body with his bared flesh flute dangling between his legs. Hagrid's eyes darkened like a teenage emo's aesthetic as he saw Snape watching his dingly dangly ding dong, which began to get hard like an old dog turd and then rise like a child's helium filled balloon.

"Take me, Hagrid," whimpered Snape, and his hand snaked down to his snake and gripped it tightly, waving it like he was the Queen and he was saluting the peasants. He wiggled it around as he began to satiate himself, jiggling his lap rocket like an Atari joystick.

"Yer gon' get it, baby," sneered Hagrid, furiously beating off his own luigi until the devil's conditioner slicked his whole hand in white.

"I'm so hot for you, Hagrid," Snape panted, sticking a dry finger up his Hershey highway and crying out in passionate desire. He imagined it was Hagrid's meter long King-Kong dong that was up his anus and his winkie seized up with horniness, and Snape ejaculated his semen all over his chest, like the water fountains in a children's park.

Suddenly, Hagrid was on his knees in front of the wooden table, hand still jerking away at his sticky dragon, and he devoured Snape's flaccid donger into his gaping maw, sucking on it like it was a crazy straw. Snape's custard launcher was already unrealistically firm on Hagrid's tongue, and he giggled as Hagrid slobbered all over his Imperial Treasure like a baby on a pacifier. Snape moaned loudly, clutching his hands into Hagrid's bedraggled sex hair and tugging on the coarse strands of his magical mane, and he managed to pull Hagrid's greedy red cake hole off of his dongadoodle with effort.

"Need you inside me," Snape blubbered, tears flowing down his face like a river as he was overcome with emotion, picturing Hagrid's heavenly figure plunged deep into his booty clam, and filling him like a cement mixer dumped into a sewer.

Hagrid growled like a feral hyena with rabies before diving face-first into the buffet of Snape's chocolate starfish. Snape cried out like puppy getting neutered as his rusty bullet hole was eaten out, and he felt the sharp scrape of Hagrid's bushy beard scratching at his anus. He chewed at the fleshy skin of Snape's buttcheeks, and Snape mewled at the glorious sensation, but he needed Hagrid's beaver basher stashed inside his Cadbury alley.

As if sensing his thoughts, Hagrid bounced up to his feet and positioned his yoghurt flinger at the entrance of Snape's marmite motorway. With one swift(copyright Taylor Swift™) movement, he drove his throbbing sausage into the moist depths of Snape's turd cutter, and they both groaned at the sensation of the anal buttsechs. Hagrid pounded into his lover like a child having a temper tantrum, and Snape took Hagrid's purple-helmeted warrior of love into his body as deep as he could until it felt like his tainted love felt like it was going to rip from the sheer enormity of Hagrid's wing wang. Snape moaned really loudly, and the force of their consummation made the hut begin to rock and caused a minor earthquake, but neither of them noticed as Hagrid howled and his technicolor donkey tore into Snape at a rate of 100 thrusts/minute, and Snape rode the wave of ecstasy and was quickly filled like a water balloon filled with mayonnaise.

Finally, Hagrid pulled his steamin' semen truck out of Snape's balloon knot with a mighty roar that shook the earth, and his hot salami slithered out of Snape like a homeless snail. Snape felt suddenly empty, like a rocket ship whose doors have been opened in space, but he was sated as he wiggled his bum and felt Hagrid's thick creamy yoghurt sloshing around inside his rectum.

"Ye like that?" Hagrid growled, grinning. He slapped Snape's sore buttcheek and Snape nearly fell over as the milk almost came spilling out of his smelly freckle, and he clenched his sphincter muscles tightly.

"I love it," whimpered Snape pathetically, and clutched his jimmy johnson spawn hammer. "I'm going to keep your chunky mayonnaise inside me forever so I'll always have a part of you to carry around."

Hagrid kissed Snape's forehead possessively and then bent down to use Snape's intransigent walrus as a toothpick. "There's a good lad."

**Author's Note:**

> okay so apparently I like hurting myself because I actually fINISHED THIS PIECE OF ETERNAL SIN. if you enjoyed yourself for some godforsaken reason then thank you, and I will forever blame Daniel for this (you can find him on tumblr as @quest-for-the-holy-braille, go spam him with awful puns)


End file.
